45 suicide

            I want to fucking kill myself.  Am I going to actually do it?  Fucking no.

            I lost this final series.  Fuck. 

            K10 (swws hat) vs A4 (me)

            I raise under the gun.  K10 calls me, this was the second time I have raised in a row.  Flop K8x.  I bet 13k (raise amount).  He calls me.  Turn 8, I bet 25k, he calls me.  River 9.  I bet 75k.  calls.  That hand cost me the whole fucking tournament, cocksucker.

            Final hand

            Short stacked.  77 early position, I go allin, AQ calls, AK ships for a little more.  Flop a fucking Ace, then a Q on river if that wasn’t even enough.  There goes my poker career.

            2019 was supposed to be my year.  Guess it’s my year to eat shit. 

            What do I do now?  I think, for one month, I’m going to grind this substitute racket.  Take any fucking job I can get, this is to punish me for playing bad poker.  When I’m not substituting, I will play the bullshit local poker room tournaments.  And after that, study for the fucking csets.  Motherfucker.  We’ll see what happens this month.

            Nobody has ever fucking believed in me.  My dad, I was playing the best poker in my life, then he comes down and tells me that I should do business in china.  Fucking manic depressant, nothing to live for, uphill battle for most of my life, and I finally am able to support myself.  But that way wasn’t acceptable, not only did I need to survive, I needed a respectable profession.  I fucking lost everything after that, what’s the fucking point.

            When I was a boy, I was ready to take the world by storm.  This is what my mom fucking told me, “You can’t change the world.”  What the fuck is that to say to a little fucking boy?  Even if it is true, you fucking lie to that motherfucker and support him.  How crushed were my spirits.  I will never forget that even if I tried.

            When we first met, my whore wife, I told her I wanted to be a director.  She told me, “that is never going to happen.”  My first idea in my mind was to leave her, because the only requirement I have, the fucking only one, is that she believes in me.  Nothing fucking else matters.  I decided to give her a chance, I’m definitely regretting that decision now.  I turn $200 into 9k, and all she can say is how I lost 50k in las vegas.  Then she asks me, “How long are you going to do this poker thing?”  I snap said, “fuck you.”  She wants me to drive long distances so she can shop and eat.  It makes me tired.  She don’t give a fuck.  Not one fuck is given.  Then she comes back home and yells at me in front of my parents.  She told me to, “shut up” in front of my parents.  I was so fucking angry.  I felt like taking my hand and banging her head on the table until she was dead.  She makes me so fucking angry.  A wife is supposed to support you and keep you from murdering other motherfuckers.  Not make you crazy and bring the worst out of you. 

            I’m not in a good place right now.  We want to have children, valentine’s day is coming up, I’m under a lot of stress.

            I think I lost that tournament because of the bad karma yelps.  Which were caused by me going to San Francisco and running into an asshole. 

            Currently, I have nothing, and it doesn’t look like anything is going to improve.  Always uphill battle.  Sometimes I get tired and just want to lay down and die.  If I keep my mood stable, I can be an incredible poker player.  If motherfuckers didn’t upset me and give me pressure.

            My fucking wife is a huge burden to me and this family.  Her and her bitch sister spend money and don’t fucking make any money.  I fucking hate them.

            I got to recharge my batteries.  I got to be less of an asshole.  I keep on breaking my new year’s resolution.  I think I will be an asshole for life.

            I need a new outlook on life, a new strategy at looking at life.  I need a rebirth.  Whatever I’m doing, is not fucking working.  I lost that tournament because I am a piece of shit, not because of my playing ability. 

            Eat shit for a while, then rise up from the ashes again.  I told myself I would never go broke again.  I fucking broke that promise again.  Fucking uphill battle man, always, life is never easy.      




I’ve married a monster, and I don’t think I want to be married to her anymore.

She’s just a controlling bitch.  Everyone in my life is trying to control me all through my life.  She wants me to take her to San Francisco on black Friday, but I don’t want to do it.  I did well in the last tournament, and our relationship was good, so I thought I’d show some love and compassion and take her.  Once she senses weakness, she gets aggressive.  I can’t let these motherfucking people win.  I can’t show weakness.  I have to be tough and beat the shit out of her her whole life.

She has won me, she has won the prize, she should be happy.  Sometimes we bring up the subject of my ex-girlfriend or soul mate.  She feels she has to insult them and make me say mean things about them to make her happy, no more.  Maybe I’ll just tell her to her face what I really think about the women of my past.  She wants me to say that I don’t love those girls, that she is more beautiful and better than those girls.  What’s the point?  Those girls are already out of my life.  I’m not going to fucking do it anymore.  Fuck her.  Sometimes she insults my soul mate, saying she is not beautiful.  She is beautiful to me and I love her.  When I think of my soul mate I get very depressed.  She’s the girl I should’ve been with.  And on top of that, this fucking bitch that I married has to insult her.  It’s like insulting the dead for no reason.

All these bad feelings have resurfaced.  I just don’t like the person I’m married to.  She’s evil.  I married an evil motherfucker.  I’ve had enough of her.  I’m going to live my life and be happy.  Fuck everyone.  I didn’t go to Thanksgiving with my sister, maybe my wife thinks she’s great or something.  I can’t stand my wife either.  Fuck her.

I work so hard in life, for what?  I am so tired.  I don’t want to do anything anymore.  I don’t want to have a kid with my evil bitch wife.  She would just abuse me and my family even more.  I’m in the stage where I don’t want to live, but not go so far as to fucking kill myself.  I just kind of want to sit here and just wait for death to take me.  I am so depressed right now.  I don’t want to do shit.  I don’t want to work out, I don’t want to study, I don’t want to play poker, I just want to sleep and never wake up.  My life is an uphill battle.  Regular activities are difficult for me.  I can never be happy.  I can never be content.  I will struggle my whole life.  Fuck everyone.  I got my own plan.  I’m going to do my own plan and everyone can eat my shit.

I think I’m going to work hard and be successful, so I can just tell everyone to fuck off.  I want to live my life the way I want to live it.  I want my own kind of happiness.  I just want to watch the world burn.

I’m thinking about telling my bitch wife I’m not taking her to San Francisco for black Friday.  Would definitely feel good.  She loves me a lot.  If I got a gun, and just blew my fucking brains out in front of her, she would be fucking devastated.  I would do it just so she would suffer the rest of her life.  This is the kind of person I am.

I’m going to check the air quality after this blog, then organize my poker schedule.  I’m back, and I got money to play.  Going back on the road, where I belong.  Maybe my marriage was best when I didn’t have to spend time with my wife.  See her once a week or something.  I wish I could tell in my heart that she was actually a nice kind-hearted person, but she’s actually a cold-hearted gold-digging hateful jealous bitch.  I’m not going to let this fucking bitch kill me and ruin my life.  I will not let her destroy me.  I will fucking fight her until my last dying breath.  I have won my hometown, now to conquer the north.  Time to become king of the north.