Dumb Shit 2018

57 Body Paragraph/Dumbo 2019

TEEL

Of Mice and Men is a novella which contends that people cannot change over time.  Do you agree?

(T)opic Sentence- states the argument in that body paragraph

            In of Mice and Men George displays the ability to change his attitude and personality over time.

(E)vidence-includes a direct quotation or film device as proof

            In his youth George took advantage of Lennie getting him to “do any damn thing I tol’ him.”  This changed over time as Lennie and George developed a partnership and have something “to look ahead to.”

(E)xplanation-elaborates/explains the significance

            George learnt that Lennie, whilst not intelligent, was kind hearted and well-meaning.  His conscience allowed George to grow and develop as a person to become Lennie’s closest companion and support. 

(L)inking Sentence-connects back to the contention/topic OR transitions to the next paragraph

            It is evident that George changed his perspective of Lennie and mankind over time. 

Dumb Shit 2018

            One was once a magnanimous fan of Disney and Tim Burton, with that said: fuck Disney and fuck Tim Burton too.  Disney has bought the once virtuous beautiful girl Star Wars, and has turned her into the cheapest dirtiest two-dollar prostitute selling her to any five-year-old kid who will pay for her services.  She will be ruined in a matter of years if she already is not.  Thank George Lucas for selling his prized-child to the highest bidder for human trafficking.  Speaking of directors, Tim Burton made marvelous gems like Edward Scissorhands and The Nightmare Before Christmas.  He followed those with Planet of the Shit, whored himself to do Charlie and the Shit Factory and most recently Dumb Shit.  Tim Burton has not made a quality Tim Burton film for a long time, but one is pretty sure he is still an A-list director and a multi-millionaire.  The reader should not watch Dumb Shit because: it was poorly casted and acted; it was boring as shit; but although it was a horrible movie, the computer animation was incredible.

            When one was watching this movie, one thought Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter would be perfect for this movie.  After many Tim Burton flops, they seemed to have jumped ship and started saying “no” to Tim Burton.  What was exactly wrong with the acting?  Did they act poorly?  No they did not.  Did they give an Oscar-award winning performance?  No they did not.  They neither acted poorly nor amazingly: they just acted moderately.  This average acting contributed greatly to the intense boredom of this movie.

            One took a pretty substantial nap during the movie.  The movie was extremely boring because of the acting, the story, and the direction.  Disney takes a basic cartoon movie and tries to morph it into a live action Hollywood colossus, Disney is going to have some difficulty.  One thinks that the original Dumbo story was lacking to begin with, although the character is cute and loveable.  So, Disney has a pile of shit twenty years ago, and they try to make that pile of shit modern by putting some flowers around it and decorating it with glitter.  Deep down at the core, it is still a pile of shit.  The pace of the movie was slow, with nothing happening throughout.  It just dragged on and on: long shots of boringness.  Even with all these negative points, there was still one amazing point.

            One was watching this and tried to figure out how they managed to find an elephant with such big ears.  Then the elephant started flying and one convinced himself that this was indeed amazing computer animation.  The whole movie one was trying to figure out if that was a real freak elephant or if it was computer animation.  It was so lifelike and detailed: it was alive.  One hopes they win an Oscar for this so this movie would not have been a complete loss.  But then again, they would keep on churning out more shit like this. 

            Here’s the score: Disney is one for two.  Beauty and the Beast was good, Dumbo was not.  They are coming out with Aladdin next with Will Smith as the genie.  One saw the preview and Will Smith did not look as bad as one thought.  If Robin Williams did not fucking kill himself, one would not mind seeing a fat old man genie in real life.  One thinks the hyperactivity and physical comedy of Robin Williams would have shined on the big screen, although he would have been a grumpy old man by this point.  One hopes they will try their best not to ruin classic Disney movies with sub-standard pieces of shit in the future. 

https://pokergladiator.wordpress.com/

A Star Shines Brightly

56 introduction/a star is born

1.  (H)ooker (ex All is fair in love and war)
   1. Joke
   1. Proverb/powerful quote
   1. Anecdote
   1. Surprising fact/statistics
   1. Curiosity/question ?
   1. Vivid description/scene

-flashback

-dialogue

-action scene

-feelings/emotions

-snapshot of a small moment

-onomatopoeia sound effect

• Definition

Don’t: this essay will be about

• (I)ntroduce Topic (subject) (ex fighting)

Don’t: tell them everything, “I’m going to talk about”

1. Give background information (author, title)
   1. Connect hook to thesis smoothly
   1. One or two sentences, short and sweet
   1. Don’t give away too many details mentioned in your body paragraph

3.  Thesis (argue) (ex Fighting is the only way to heal the world)

            a. positive (agree) or negative (disagree)

            b.  w5, h

            c.  strong statement (no pussy statements, aggressive)

            d.  related

1. Be clear and specific
2. Put at the end of your introduction
3. Be original

Don’t: bury thesis in middle, don’t be vague, don’t “the point of my paper”

Brainstorm

thesis

The reader should watch Bradley Cooper’s and Lady Gaga’s A Star is Born because the soundtrack was amazing and there were four Oscar-award winning scenes; but other than these two points, the movie was quite boring.   

Hooker

            When twelve year old girls start singing this movie’s song in elementary schools, it is time to watch the movie regardless of what one thinks the movie will be like.  Directed and acted by Bradley Cooper, acted and performed by Lady Gaga, multiple Oscar nominations and one win for best original song; it is an intelligent risk to watch this movie. 

Lady Gaga’s Biopic

            When twelve year old girls start singing this movie’s song in elementary schools, it is time to watch the movie regardless of what one thinks the movie will be like.  Directed and acted by Bradley Cooper, acted and performed by Lady Gaga, multiple Oscar nominations and one win for best original song “Shallow”; the writer had to take the plunge and gamble on a viewing.  The reader should watch Bradley Cooper’s and Lady Gaga’s A Star is Born because the soundtrack was amazing and there were four Oscar-award winning scenes; but other than these two points, the movie was quite boring.   

            Lady Gaga is an amazing musical artist.  The writer loves her songs; they are original, makes one want to dance, and Lady Gaga has a genuine talented voice.  Her music is excellent but before A Star is Born, her acting was not.  One does not know what is exactly wrong with Lady Gaga; is it her looks or her bland acting.  All one knows is she murdered a whole season of American Horror Story.  She had some other unmemorable parts in other movies.  One thinks she uses her music stardom to convert it into movie stardom and it sometimes gets her parts a normal actress who is not a music superstar to get.  A good example of this is Jay Chou, the Michal Jackson of Taiwan.  He is a musical genius and makes incredible music, but every movie he touches turns to dust.  The only movie one has enjoyed him in is the Green Hornet.  He did all-right there, maybe because it was an American movie and the director just thought he was some chinaman and did not have to kiss his butt which allowed the director to produce some amazing acting from him.  The first song one fell in love with is the last song of the movie.  One heard it on YouTube being covered by some starlets and it was catchy.  Then after hearing Shallow many times over, one started to like that song also.  All the other songs one can do without.  One has downloaded the music and that is on his playlist currently.  Two of the songs produced three of the best scenes of the movie. 

            First great scene: Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga are in the parking lot.  Lady Gaga sings Shallow in front of Brad.  When Lady Gaga is singing that song, she is just electrifying.  And the facial reaction of Brad tells one of being blown away and smitten through that song; very subtle but extremely powerful.  Second great scene: Same song, different setting; Brad is trying to get the shy unconfident Lady Gaga to sing her own song.  She does not want to do it, but eventually does.  When she is singing, she looks so scared and nervous.  Slowly you can physically see her opening up and getting more confident as well as vocally.  It was amazing, great evolution.  Third great scene: Brad should have got an Oscar for this scene a lone.  The scene is Brad apologizing to Lady Gaga for embarrassing her.  One genuinely feels that Brad is so sorry for being an alcoholic and embarrassing his successful wife in front of the world.  One feels sorry for this pitiful animal.  And it doesn’t stop there, Lady Gaga has this amazing reaction.  It is like, she wants to cry, but does not, the tear is right on the side of her eye.  And her feeling is that of “I love my husband no matter what, and I do not care that he embarrassed me, and I am so sad that my husband feels sad that he did this to me and I just want him to be happy no matter what.”  Such a powerful scene one was brought to tears.  Last great scene: It was actually the last scene of the movie.  One has to say this is one’s favorite song.  So Bradley Cooper has died, spoiler alert, it is his funeral and Lady Gaga sings this song.  She is sad, and sings this song beautifully and you can see her emotions portrayed physically and vocally.  Song is on the level of Whitney Houston’s Bodyguard, but Bodyguard was a better movie.   

            There is a great soundtrack and four great scenes; what does one have left?  The answer is nothing.  Movie starts out with Jackson Maine doing a concert.  He gets off and randomly goes to a bar that Lady Gaga is performing.  They meet and have a date somehow, so unlikely.  The plot just seems rushed and too coincidental, like they only have a certain amount of time to make a story.  The second date is of a superstar flying his stranger acquaintance to his concert, and getting her to sing her song.  Then he bangs her.  She thinks it is a one night stand but there is a surprising third date and Lady Gaga is surprised.  Then a bunch of pointless things happen with an occasional amazing scene inserted in certain points. 

            The movie has a three out of five on the tomatometer.  The soundtrack is amazing and the reader should definitely listen to it.  There are four amazing scenes that the reader should watch and unfortunately have to suffer through the rest of the movie.  One thinks Lady Gaga did so well was because Lady Gaga was playing Lady Gaga.  That would explain a lot.  This was Bradley Cooper’s first directorial debut and Lady Gaga’s first major role; they are not there yet but they are off to an amazing start.  One sees a lot of room for improvement, and if they do improve, one can see themselves as being a hardcore fan.  The reader should definitely watch this movie.

https://pokergladiator.wordpress.com/

Bandersnatch (2019)

            Bandercrotch.

            .5 stars out of 5.

            What a pile of shit.

            If one would take the masterpiece of Groundhog Day, and try his best to fuck it up in every way possible, one would end up with Bandersnatch.

            Bandersnatch gets points for trying, but that is all it is getting. 

            One is eating breakfast and wants to watch the latest black mirror episode.  It happens to be Bandersnatch.  1.  You cannot watch it on Apple T.V.  Format not available or something.  2.  If one is to watch it on computer, one must click every so often to decide. 

            This movie is like the first horrific failure of Elon Musk’s rocket launch.  But the happy ending to this story is that eventually this concept will be something amazing.  But this current movie happened to be a colossal fuck up.

            This kid is in a Groundhog Day loop.  One has complete control over what he does.  If one does not make the correct decision, the move will never fucking end.  One feels like destroying his own computer in the middle of this movie. 

            Acting is whatever.  Stars are whatever.  Story is whatever. 

            There should be an option where one does not have to make decisions, so they can enjoy it while doing aerobics or jerking off or something. 

            Nice try Netflix.  They are not there yet, but they will get there sooner or later. 

            Not worth a watch unless one wants to experience what an annoying fuck up of a movie feels like.  If one does not make the correct decisions, the movie will run indefinitely, which turns out to be a huge pain in the ass.    

Aquaman (2019)

            James Wan: the co-creator of Saw.  Way back when, there was a pile and stream of shitty movies Hollywood was churning out, then this nobody from Australia with Leigh Wannel created Saw, and it was the most amazing movie ever.  An instant classic.  Can watch that movie over and over again.  Fucking awesome.  Then he continued to create original masterpieces, and I became a fan.  BUT, he sold his soul to the devil like James Lucas and whored out the Saw franchise and his subsequent masterpieces to whore Hollywood.  So, if you see directed by James Wan-watch it.  If you see produced by James Wan-don’t even fucking bother because it’s going to be dog shit.  So, when you think of Aquaman, you automatically think of dog shit.  What is his special abilities?  Was his father and mother killed and he became batshit crazy?  Was he dipped in acid?  Did he come from an alien planet?  Was he bit by a radioactive spider?  What the fuck does he really have?  He can fucking swim.  So basically, when you think of iron man, you think of dog shit.  The only reason I watched this movie, was because “directed by James Wan” but spoiler alert, nobody sawed off their own limbs.

            Jason Momoa:  I’ve been following this motherfucker.  Star Gate: was a bad ass replacement for the other big black guy.  Was a pretty big bad ass.  I remember when the old big black guy and the new young big black guy got into a fight one day, and they just beat the shit out of each other for hours.  It was fucking awesome.  Then the beautiful white doctor lady came by and reprimanded them both like a mom would to her two young sons.  Game of Thrones: he plays another absolute bad ass barbarian in game of thrones.  Didn’t speak one word of English.  How do you act and just speak gibberish a whole series.  I don’t fucking know.  Had a lot of carnal sex with that underage dragon queen.  Liked him a lot in that show, wish he had a bigger part and just kept on being in it forever (spoiler alert after the fact).  And now he is aquaman.  Let me tell you what I think the real aquaman in the comics and cartoons is.  It’s like a nerdy blonde skinny white guy.  That’s fucking aquaman.  So, when you get Jason momoa to play aquaman, it is definitely different.  Jason momoa is not a funny guy.  I just don’t think he’s funny.  He tries to be, but he’s not.  BUT he makes up for his comedy with intensity.  And I don’t think he’s a good romantic actor.  Maybe he’s gay.  I don’t feel sexual tension with him in this movie.  I did in Game of thrones, but maybe because that was just rape.  He delivered some lines kind of shitty.  But he also delivered many powerful lines.  Fight scenes were good. 

            The red head: I think her name is amber heard, I’m not sure.  I think amy adams has paved the way for red heads to spear head Hollywood actresses from now on.  Skin tight wet suit with her cleavage showing: I think I like atlantis.  From her first appearance, extremely hot.  Beautiful flowing red hair, nice tits with a push up skin suit to show enough of her breasts to look sexy without looking to skanky.  Acting, don’t remember.  I don’t remember it being bad, nor do I remember it being extremely great.  I just remember she was super hot.  Super hot red head.

            There was this girl in the beginning of the movie.  And I was like, that girl is really hot, she looks a lot like Nicole Kidman.  But it can’t be Nicole Kidman, Nicole Kidman is like 104 years old now.  She’s in this skin tight wet suit, looks super hot.  She has the body of a twenty year old.  No way that’s Nicole kidman.  Just kept on wondering.  And how the fuck do fish speak the same language as humans.  The languages should be different.  Why the fuck would Nicole Kidman, an amazing actress sell her soul to get in this DC Marvel horseshit.  What the fuck is going on in the world?  Of course, she acted extremely well.  Had some really good touching scenes.  Well done, and well done for looking 20 with a still amazing body.  Nice fight scenes, believable and ass kicking.

            Two black guys in the beginning of the movie: the father is an amazing actor, the son, not so much.  I think he’s very green.  I don’t know what it is, I just don’t believe him.  The father also fucked up some lines too.  Not a big fan of those two guys.  Pirates. 

            The bad guy: this guy would play an amazing white supremacist.  The next nazi, klu klux klan movie, cast this motherfucker.  He’s an amazing enemy villain.  He’s perfect for the role because he looks like a villain.  I was going to say piece of shit but that sounds a bit harsh.  I enjoy watching him be a bad guy.  He did his part well.

            Dolph Lundgren will always be Ivan Drago, no matter what fucking movie he is in.  In this case, it was Ivan Drago under water.  What happened to his Russian accent?  Ivan Drago is always entertaining to watch.

            Willem Dafoe: I’m a huge Willem Dafoe fan.  I’m not quite sure.  I can’t really place him in any particular movie I fucking love him in.  I guess he’s just an underrated actor in Hollywood who’s just really good.  I love his grin.  Wonder what kind of joker he would’ve made.  He played hobgoblin, but whatever.  I think he’s a good actor.  But maybe Hollywood has not been kind to him and he had to sell out a bit and do a bunch of whore jobs.  I think he should be a bigger actor and name than he is.  His part wasn’t big.  Wasn’t great, wasn’t shitty, just there.  Medium sounds good.

            Costume: so aquaman in the comics and the cartoon looks super gay.  He has green tights, orange top, all skin tight.  Skinny dude in a skin tight swim suit.  BUT the costume in this movie looks awesome.  Somebody changed it to like armor.  Like green scale pants, and an orange plate of armor.  Looked super fucking cool, and didn’t look good at all.  Whoever created that 2019 costume should get a fucking cookie.  Kudos to that person.  I am very pleased with it. 

            Story: got kind of boring in the middle.  Almost fell asleep, but then it picked up.  Nice. 

            In conclusion: considering this is the shittiest comic book character ever created, and nobody, I mean nobody, give a shit about aquaman, this is a pretty good movie.  I mean you got batman, the movie has to be amazing because batman is a celebrity.  But aquaman, there will probably never be another aquaman movie ever, because nobody gives a shit about aquaman.  Why did they even make a movie about aquaman anyways?  Stupid dc universe with a bunch of losers.  So, for a shitty comic book character, this was a pretty good movie.  Good job to everyone who made this thing happen.

https://pokergladiator.wordpress.com/

Waiting For Superman (2010)

Waiting For Superman (2010)

Facebook is continuing to fuck me.  I’m trying to make a profile picture, but they continually ask me to upload a photo.  I think I’m going to get banned again.  Fuck facebook.  I don’t think I even did anything wrong.  I just don’t look like a real person.  I don’t know how I’m going to motherfucking go viral with this blog and monetize at this rate.  Motherfucking facebook.

I saw a Lindsey Stirling video of a grinch song.  I’m a big fan of Lindsey Stirling, great violinist.  She’s not really hot, more average looking if anything, but she plays the violin and dances around like an elf which is cool as shit.  So, there was this hot girl, Connie Talbot, singing the grinch song with her.  I noticed this girl had star quality.  Couple days later, I saw her again on youtube, she was beautiful and sang beautifully.  “Who the fuck is this girl?”  I googled her.  Turns out she was a child star who is now all grown up and has become a youtube sensation.  She makes some of her own songs and does a lot of covers.  She got lucky, a lot of cute child stars grow up and look like shit.  She has blossomed into a beautiful young girl, she will have an amazing singing and film career if she keeps her nose clean and doesn’t fuck it up.  I will be playing her in the background for a while on youtube.

My throat kind of hurts, I ate too many potato chips and crepes.  I’m cutting that shit out of my diet.  Junk food usually is the end of me.  Had a smoothie this morning in hopes of healing my throat.

Did cardio for the first time in maybe a couple weeks or months.  My health is fucked.  I’m like a diabetic and gout.  So, I go out running, and since I’m getting old, my joints are all fucked up.  So, I can’t run to get rid of my diabetes.  Outside there is still a lot of pollution from the California wildfires.  So, I’m staying indoors for at least a week.  I planned on doing an hour of burpees.  Fuck that.  I ended up doing 3×15, and just quit.  I don’t think I could do an hour of burpees.  Fucking crazy.  I’ll do bar work after dinner.  That plus burpees should be enough cardio.  Or I’m just hoping that.

O.K., finally Waiting for Superman; my teacher assigned this documentary so we could discuss it.  The way I watch this movie is have it play in the background while I play iphone games or have it play in the background while I do important shit.  The documentary was o.k.  The message was, our public-school system is fucked, and we got to fix it.  Like, do you need a couple of hours to send that message.  I think like a 15-30 minute infomercial would’ve done the job.  The documentary wasn’t anything special.  Just a basic semi-boring documentary.  This is the information, here you go.  So, the movie starts out with this black guy talking about Superman.  He’s watching Superman and his mom fucking tells him Superman doesn’t exist.  He’s fucking devastated, and has a great fear of who is going to help him in time of need.  He grows up, sees how fucked up the school system is, and he is waiting for superman to save the public-school system.  In that process, he becomes superman because the real superman is never coming.  Shit in one hand and hope in the other and see which one fills up faster.  So, he knows what’s wrong with the school system, and he tries to go fix it.  But at every turn, it is unfixable and runs into a dead end every time.  The school system is inherently flawed and designed not to be fixed.  We are all kind of fucked.  It’s like, the system is so ingrained, like 10 miles of roots underneath the ground.  To fix the problem, you got to uproot all those 10 miles of roots underneath the ground, which is difficult and near impossible.  Meanwhile, our kids are eating shit and becoming more stupider, while China beats the shit out of us with their army of anti-social nerds.  To be honest, was kind of a depressing video that makes you think you can’t win and makes you just want to give up even before you start to try.

The day of the class we got into groups.  My group consisted of 3 other dudes, unlucky.  One of the guys asked, “Hey, did any of you really watch the movie?”  I like how he added the word really.  Turns out I was the only motherfucker who actually watched the movie.  So, I’m sitting there explaining what the fucking movie was about.  Then I preceded to basically carry my group and do the mini-group project, semi-bullshitly.  Whatever, you use what you got and run with it.  Funny thing was, I’m pretty sure about 95% of the class didn’t watch the movie either based on their bullshit presentations.  Don’t bullshit a bullshitter.

Bohemian Rhapsody

 

So I finish my errands around 5pm.  I head over to the movie theatre, I got 2 hours to kill until 7pm.  I know what movie I’m going to watch.  So, the next Bohemian Rhapsody is like around 6:55pm or 7pm.  And the last one shown was 4:15pm and it was in Imax.  There’s nothing else I can watch.  I say fuck it.  It’s like, I already know how the movie ends, it’s not a big surprise or anything.  I pay 20 fucking dollars for imax.  And I watch the 2^nd act of Bohemian Rhapsody.

So, at this point in my life, I have fucking given up on Hollywood.  I don’t give a shit about trailers.  Trailers are bullshit that usually destroy the movie in its entirety.  So, the strategy I use now is, I am very selective about the movies I watch.  I just won’t go watch a fucking movie for no fucking reason, I’ve been let down too many times.  And if these perverts keep on making money off of shit movies, they will keep making them, look at China for example.  So, at the moment, I just follow certain actors and directors who I know, will at least try their best to make a quality movie.  My quality of movie has hit a new high, and most movies are a disappointment to me.  Kind of like a drug, where you have to take a more potent dose each time to get the same high.  Rami Malek was in band of brothers show.  Kind of liked him in that, didn’t really leave an impression on me.  He reminds me of Jack Nicholson, where the way he talks makes him an individual.  I watched bits and pieces of Mr. Robot.  Not really impressed, maybe I got to really get into the show.  But I know he won a shitload of Emmy’s from that show, so I know he has some game.

I kind of like Queen’s music.  Couple of songs they sang are classics.  But I’m not like a die hard fan.

I got into this movie right at the time they were doing a montage of him getting really popular and touring all over the world.

This movie was fucking amazing.  It changed my life, and that is the requirement I have for movies now, they have to fucking change my life for the better.

I really don’t know Freddie Mercury.  So, did Rami Malek do a good job portraying Freddie Mercury?  I don’t fucking know.  I’m kind of always curious of how real these movies really are.  Can an amazing story like that be true?  Most people’s lives are just boring as shit and then they die.

So, there are so many different layers to this story and their characters.  Like, when I see Freddie Mercury on stage, it is kind of obvious that he’s gay.  But, he was married and I think they both knew he was gay.  And then they faced the problem, but it turned out that this marriage wasn’t a marriage of sexual attraction, but a marriage of non-sexual love between two people.  So, it was like they were lovers, who became best friends.  Kind of a really interesting situation and touching.

Then there is the relationship between him and his bandmates.  Queen became very popular.  Then Freddie Mercury flew too close to the sun and thought he could fly.  He abandoned Queen, and went on his own.  At his height of popularity, he fell into some vultures who just picked his bones dry, and used him, like all successful people at the height of their popularity.  He was up, then he came crashing down.  He realized who his real friends and family were.  He quit the bad things in his life.  Went back to his band in a very humble way.  Worked hard to get back to where he was.  And the climax of the movie was at Live Aid.  And it was such an amazing and climactic moment.  He went back to this guy who seemed to truly love and care about him.  He came out to his father and his father was proud of him for doing live aid.

You couldn’t write a better story.  I came out of the theatre feeling happy, sad, inspired, and tingling all over.

Great fucking movie.

Queen is my official poker sound track for this poker year.

Aids.  There is a lot of negativity associated with Aids.  But they handled it in such an amazing way.  It’s like, he was going to die, and he didn’t want people to feel sorry for him, but he had the attitude of, I’m going to fucking die, and I’m not going out like a little bitch, I’m going to go out making beautiful music and doing the best performances I can.  Fucking brilliant.  Not wasting time with the remainder of his life, but spending it doing it what he loved.  Beautiful.

 

pokergladiator.wordpress.com

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween

 

What a fucking pile of shit.

My wife likes movies I despise, and I like movies she despises. A match made in heaven.

We look at the movies, she usually likes to watch cartoons because they are funny and she describes movies she likes as one’s where she doesn’t have to think; wonderful. So, she picks this dog shit movie for some reason, probably because it looks like a kid’s movie. I know it’s going to be a dog shit movie and I was right. But, she has broken me and I listen to her regardless.

I saw the first one and I hated it. I told myself never again. I don’t think I’ve ever read an R.L. Stine book in my life. But maybe he’s a genius, be the Stephen King of little kids. But I’m guessing the horror genre is much better with gratuitous sex and violence. I’m a big Stephen King fan though. And when I mean Stephen King fan, I mean his movies. I don’t read shit. And whenever I say I read a book, I probably just audio booked it when I was driving to some random place.

<spoiler alert> For a movie you really shouldn’t give a shit about anyways. Movie starts out with a semi-hot high school girl. Then there’s this fat kid who wouldn’t last 5 minutes in jail. Whatever that kid does, he should not break the law, because if he is sent to the pen, he is fucking cookie dough for the rest of his stay at the pen. Then there’s this nerdy black kid who gets picked on by a white kid. You know that black kid is going to grow up in a year and just beat the shit out of that white kid. A white kid picking on a “nerdy” black kid, come on.

I find it amazing how they scrape out a movie with the premise of R.L. Stine and Goosebumps. “How do we use this shit to make a movie?” So, these two nerds find an R.L. Stine book, and this creepy fucking ventriloquist dummy pops out of the book. That’s fucking cool. I think the dummy’s voice is from the Tales from the Crypt guy. Very good. I didn’t check the credits, but I’m probably right. It could’ve also been Luke Skywalker too. Good voice work.

This dummy then just wreaks havoc on people and scares the shit out of them.

Asian guy from Hangover, kind of hate his guts and don’t think he’s funny.

Chris Parnell from Saturday Night Live, feel bad for the guy because all his buddies became super fucking stars. We all can’t be winners at Saturday Night Live. All I know is he’s doing better in life than I am.

The cop from Reno 911, she’s getting fucking old. It looks like she’s been doing some quality work these days.

The thing I liked was the special effects. I expected the special effects to be dog shit, but when that dummy went into that Halloween store and brought shit alive, it looked very cool. Kudos on that. Pretty sick.

Jack motherfucking Black-what the fuck has this guy been doing the past couple of years? He was actually very funny for the parts he did. I feel he didn’t even want to be in the movie to tell you the truth. There was a joke where he saw a red balloon, and he said, “I knew I came up with that first.” Fuck you Stephen King. Then there was this line where he was supposed to say “horrors” but it sounded like “whores.” “All the whores in the world can’t compare to this book.” I was fucking laughing. I kind of liked him in this movie but I think he may be becoming into a Hollywood whore. Stick to your guns jack black.

Don’t watch this fucking pile of shit movie.

 

pokergladiator.wordpress.com